It is an undisputed fact that I am a very fortunate person. I live as an artist by the grace of God. Even though I do nothing to deserve it, I am continually provided for and well. I marvel and wonder at it. However, I admit sometimes I do worry; about the future, and that what I do doesn't currently earn money... and then I remember that I have always been taken care of somehow and someway. Even during those times when I have strived and worked hard at a paying job, provision has always been given way beyond my effort. God is good to me. I trust in his unmerited favor!
Yet even though I believe God's hand is at work in my life, I have wallowed a bit too much in my reality lately which has felt a bit like limbo. As you may remember, last year my family endured the unsettling effects of extreme renovations to the house we live in. A house that belongs to someone else. The rent has been relatively reasonable as the renovations were in process. Now that the major items have been completed our rent has jumped up to an amount that is more in keeping with the area.
We have wondered if we will be able to afford to stay here. So even though the work is done, I haven't really moved back in. We still have furniture stored elsewhere and books and other items in boxes. The walls are new, pristine and empty, very unlike my idea of home. It is an odd way to live and yet somewhat self inflicted. I've trapped myself in a 'Shall I stay, or shall I go' mentality.
I see now as I've written this blog how this is affecting my art life, because although I have written and blogged much about art, I haven't made as much as I like. Why not? I have the time, and although the space in which I work is small, it is the same as it was at the end of last year, and has even expanded a bit into the garage. I have a great desire to paint and yet I'm not. I don't really know what I want to paint but that doesn't generally stop me from painting. I can paint without a plan, so what is going on?
I guess this is what may be considered artist block. It feels like a dam with a wild rush of ideas and creativity building up behind it. I've dammed the flow... What a silly thing to do! My marker doodles are like an ax picking at the dam. I force myself to make some marks on a page in hopes of breaking through.